Dear Multiple Sclerosis…A Letter to My MS

Multiple Sclerosis.

You’re here.

Not residing anywhere else but here, inside me. Nine years and counting. Probably a lot longer if you really want to play dirty.

Why did you choose me when there were so many other people you could’ve picked? You were probably out for vengeance for working too hard and resting too little. You probably thought it would be fun seeing me cry at the bottom of the staircase when I was so tired I couldn’t climb it anymore. Did you truly believe it was funny?

Have I not been living with enough illnesses already that you had to add yourself to my brain like a piece of Velcro? I had abdominal surgery three months before you crashed into me. You took my eyes and created new pain levels in my body.

I saw specialists who said my ears were fine when your trigeminal neuralgia took hold of my face. I went to dentists, ear, nose and throat doctors and other super-intelligent people who had no idea what eye and facial pain even felt like.

How dare you take over my life? How dare you change my relationships, professional life and upset my family and friends? Two of my friends blatantly said they couldn’t handle my illness; one ran off, the other one I let go because our friendship was based on a lie.

My family? They’re my everything. Some also said things that hurt, because they don’t know what it feels like to live with my misshapen brain.

The worst thing of all was retiring at the age of 36. I loved my job, I loved working hard, but you took that away from me. You, you ignorant, selfish, disturbing illness did all that to me. But I won’t let you win. No way.

Where was the manual that showed me how to accept and adapt? MS just hits you like a ton of bricks, and you have to figure out how to fight yourself.

You made each of us different. MS has so many different symptoms, and MS just wants you to go through it alone. I never asked for you, I never wanted you so I sure as hell want you gone. For good.

I figured you out though.

I got you… yet I won.

I won fantastic new friends and a new philosophy on life.

I won love where I thought there was none.

In need, you truly learn who your real friends are. I found trust in those that stuck around.

You don’t own me MS, you don’t get praise for having me. No matter how bad you treat me in the future, I will own you instead.

You’re you and I’m me. I will never lose the knowledge that I conquered you. Perhaps not physically, but mentally I am stronger than you.

You’re here to stay, but I won.

I won yesterday.

I win today.

And I will win tomorrow also.

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Jamie Tripp Utitus
Written by
Jamie Tripp Utitus
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